BOUNDARIES: what they are and why you should respect them
Boundaries are the invisible limits of what we allow for ourselves in relationships with others. Some examples of boundaries people can set with others include:
privacy, or what other people know about your life or experiences;
boundaries around your personal time and how it is used;
physical boundaries for your space, belongings, and body;
emotional boundaries separating your emotional responses from others; and
mental boundaries related to your thoughts and views
Why you should respect other's boundaries: Boundaries are critical for our mental health. A person's boundary is telling you what that person needs in order to be themselves and feel psychologically/physically safe, and that is worth respecting.
Boundary crossing is normal and not always intentionally disrespectful. We are going to cross boundaries in our lives, even amongst the people we think we know the best or care for the most. It happens because boundaries are invisible and we can't read peoples' minds. They vary by situation and person. They also change. This is why honest and open communication is essential to setting and respecting boundaries. If you find yourself inadvertently crossing a boundary, the first thing you should do is hold yourself accountable, by saying something like "it looks like I might have crossed a line." Next, you should clarify what the person's boundary is so you can be able to respect or honor it in the future. Ask questions and repeat it back to them to make sure you understand their boundary.
Boundaries are important in all relationships, however the lines of the boundaries in a romantic partnership might look different than those of other friendships or even work relationships. For example, with an intimate partner you may be more comfortable with them knowing personal details about you than you would your boss. Respecting boundaries in a romantic partnership, while they should look similar, can often be complicated by our expectations for less boundaries, our misconception that boundaries block intimacy or closeness in a romantic partnership, or our own faulty beliefs, like "if my partner doesn't want to tell me about X, then they don't trust me." Boundaries are necessary in romantic relationships and allow for healthy intimacy.
As parents, partners, friends, or coworkers, we can take part in caring for the mental health of our loved ones by creating a safe space for those around us. No one can handle everything on their own. We need community and safe people to turn to. Creating a safe space for others might look like practicing a nonjudgmental attitude, listening empathetically, hearing what is being said and reflecting it back, validating another person's emotions or experiences, and respecting their boundaries.
How to build awareness of and respect for your own boundaries: Pay attention to your emotions. Our emotions can tell us where our boundaries are, especially in new situations or with new people. When something doesn't feel right - pause. Get curious about the feeling and what it is telling you that you need in that situation or with that person. Take some time to reflect on what your limits are. Don't take on more than you are comfortable with or say yes when you need to say no. Remember why the boundary is there - to help you maintain your sense of identity and truth and to help keep you psychologically and physically healthy.
Tips for getting better at respecting others’ boundaries: Practice! It's going to feel awkward in the beginning. Welcome feedback. "I'm trying to respect your boundary of X, please let me know if this boundary changes or if there is a specific way that I can demonstrate this to you."
Have questions or comments? Feel free to email them to me at shethergray@gmail.com. Until next time, be well, and be kind to your mind.